Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Well what a crazy weekend for me.  It's like someone gives me this rare set of china and what do i do, haha, I decide to break it.  I was in love with the idea of being in love. Because, who wouldn't be excited for that opportunity with you. I mean come on, yea you got some annoyances, but not many people can even come close to being giving off the charisma and character you do. I messed it all up by going back to what if, even after you graciously told me what was missing, the chemistry.  Wow didn't we have a ton of other things that worked well to be friends!?  We both know we did.  It was like this vicious cycle with me.  I was honestly scared that if I ever stopped telling you I love you every now and then you would naturally move on, growing distant slowly over time.  Its not  wrong its just how it happens with <some> friendships, eventually the chance exists that  naturally the friendship will grow to being too distant, and less and less interaction.  I wanted to do everything to not let that happen,. including saying that i love you more than anything.  Sure I do still.  Because what I was doing is thinking that i had to compare it to something. It's in perspective now, it was before, but not all the time.  I will never have a love(caring as a friend) for anyone else like I do for you, that's cause what made our friendship work was unique to each of us and how we are.   I used the word love interchangeably  with you to.  Love-like I am here for you, I am your friend I want you to be happy.  This is the love I have the most for you.  I don't need to worry about that all the times I did. It got so BIG so FAST in my head, it was all me. You have been pretty clear with were you stand since day one. I lost it all. And serves me right. It wasn't like it was the first time and we gave up after one little bump in the road.  Dammit lol.  I am really sorry. I should of done what I know and knew was right the entire time.  Take our friendship, value it to the highest, respect it and honor it. You know what is a perfect example of us going out clubbing like we have before.  We go together, we get inside, have fun dance with who ever, use the opportunity to be open and have fun, dance with others, let others talk to us, each doing our own thing but with the other nearby we went as friends we will leave as friends.  Then on the ride home I talk about this hot guy I danced with earlier, or you share that you met an old  friend just before leaving and you two danced, or he bought u some drinks, etc. I was so scared I would lose you that night and you would leave with someone else that night.  What if you did, looking after you as a friend and that being what you wanted you have every opportunity to be able to do that.  I FORGOT that I could too lol. Its not that I thought we were attached.  I was and am so afraid of rejection- but if you did anything like that I wasn't being rejected lol. Hell, each of us could date 3 different guys over the course of many months and you know what, through all that we each did, we would of still been smoking on your back patio, listening to music, watch The L word and sleeping on the couches. What we had was in NO WAY threatened by each of us doing our own thing when it came to dating, not dating, hooking up, etc  Somehow I thought if I could keep all that away, it would make our friendship last.  LOL.Truth is and you knew this the whole time, if we each had that to ourselves, actually we would of been able to add to our friendship.  Knowing that whatever shit happened as we go "out" into the world, we had a really good friend who had our back and was always there for the other. FUCK FUCK FUCK.  I am sorry it took me too long to get it.

I am hoping time can maybe fix this one...